Wednesday, April 19, 2006

hitting a wall

I so should not be procrastinating right now. But I've so been hitting a wall lately, several times.

Ever since the leadership assessment weekend has been over (it was three weeks ago already), I've totally crashed, productivity-wise, spiritually and socially. Not having clear structure and deadlines these past weeks have taken its toll.

But good thing for my sister coming in town tomorrow. I've accomplished more in these 3 days than I have all the past three weeks knowing she is going to be here. I also cleaned up big time in time for her visit. I was vacuuming my room and thought I'd vacuum my keyboard to clear off some of the dust. Oops. Not such a great idea. I lost my left shift key to the powerful suck of my machine.

I'm looking forward to trolling the city with her. She finally caved in and switched over to digital SLR and we are going to take some historic walks around town with a focus of taking photos. After feeling a bit of distance between us, this past week we've talked on the phone for some 6 hours or so (not all at once). Nothing quite like good phone time and talking about boys to bond :)

I was going to take the whole week off to spend with her, but I have to teach a course with Renae and Susan. It's the Basic Christian Story, one that I'm familiar with from having informally teaching it to many ESL students who have come to our church in the past.

One of the walls I'm hitting is having "dead" eyes in looking at material I am too familiar with. I really need a fresh look at the material for this Basic Christian Story course, and for the prayer course that we've been doing for 5 years now. Three years is the usual mark I lose interest and hit the wall. I'm two years beyond it in the prayer course arena now. And I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

I'm hitting a wall too with craving to really meet God. I feel like I am coming to the dinner table to spend time with him, and then when I get up to leave, I feel like I haven't really eaten at all.

I wonder if it has to do with all the spiritual house cleaning I am doing in working on my 12 Step process right now. I've unearthed some destructive roots and pains lodged deep within my heart that I need to let God dispose of that are preventing good things from growing, but I'm not sure how. On the one hand, there's a feeling of a sense of relief to come into the light on some of these things; on the other hand, it's damn uncomfortable .... exposure always brings an intial sense of squinting "ouch! it's too bright and it's hurting my eyes! Make it stop!" I think that's human nature to want to squirm away and stay in the shadows on the things we are most ashamed of.

Overall though, I know I am in a great season of life and I'm really trying to enjoy it, despite the ebbs and flows of wall-hitting.


jocelyn said...

two things occurred to me -
it's funny how similar our situations are in some ways. I can really relate to the conflict of enjoying a great time in your life (ie I'm graduating, got accepted to grad school and going to Oz...!) but really struggling in other ways. I really think that it is connected to the spiritual house cleaning, because it is so hard to meet god when its so hard to let him dispose of the "mess". Or at least it is for me - I find I go through something that pulls it all up and then I go "how can we even connect with all of THIS in the way?" I'm realizing for me it's a process of forgiving God that I didn't want to admit I had to do.
I don't know if this is HS action or not, but your comment about "really needing a fresh look" made me immediately think, is that a me-need or a God-need? Not at all wanting to be critical, more thinking about how often we want God to provide those fresh insights so we can teaach things right or communicate something well, when he wants us simply to do his will or hear from him. Maybe there's a "stale" message in there that he wants you to see/teach? Just a thought. :)
Thanks for the post... always nice to talk about spiritual stuff with you!

enitsuj said...

thanks Joc... I think your comment and exhortation does hit part of the mark. Though I am glad we don't have to have it all together every time we teach, I guess I am not necessarily looking for fresh insights as I am desiring to be teaching out of personal and recent experience of these things we speak of. The good part is at least my feelings of "blah"ness usually drive me to pray out of desperation, a better place to be than forging my own path of self-effort to dig myself out.