Thursday, August 17, 2006

stuck again

Two posts in a day? Must mean I'm procrastinating again... or on the road to burnout. I haven't taken any formal breaks this summer, but then again I haven't been going at a very fast pace either.

My biggest struggle has been predominantly feeling like I haven't been producing anything tangible all summer. I hate that feeling. I hate it because it means that I'm putting too much stock on and giving too much power to the idol of "tangible productivity" in my life. That means deep down I'm really living on the belief that I can't be happy and I don't have meaning until I feel like I am tangibly productive.

Rather, it's been a season of thinking and discussing ideas-in-formulation with various colleagues. The discussions continue as people come back from holidays, but finally I think I am supposed to be entering the harvest stage where I should theoretically be able to produce some tangibles. Yet somehow, everytime I sit down to work, the itch to procrastinate and do everything else but write/design kicks in full gear.

Sigh. I don't know how to get unstuck other than allowing the pressure of external deadlines to push me. The day after the wedding I woke up in time to crank out some last minute documents for two days of meetings... and I wasn't even on time for the meeting. Why can't I work to get things done ahead of time instead of cutting things so close to the wire?

I planned my fall travels for ministry reporting and personal visits to Ontario and Saskatchewan -- alas, but only because there was a deadline on the West Jet seat sale. I am looking forward to it, but it's all the way in November. In the meantime, I hope I can make it until then. Looking to the fall overwhelms me. Thank God for Mary's prayer retreat coming up in a couple of weeks. Without it I don't know if I could slow myself down enough.

The busy-ness with the wedding and finishing up design projects for friends has knocked a bit of wind out of my spiritual sails which I'm trying to gain again. It feels like I haven't journaled in awhile. I haven't been feeding consistently on my spiritual Bread. It's been more touch and go desperate immediate prayer, though I am finding the Psalms are a natural place to pick up from that resonate with my current soul state. I think the saving grace has been others praying with and for me. Thank God my fluctuating feelings (or my productivity or lack of productivity) don't change the way He thinks and feels about me.


Jocelyn said...

I can understand what reads like wistfulness in your post - but a thought came to mind. I just wonder how often these times where we feel as if we are behind in our devotions or low on spiritual Bread are also a part of the path in their own right too.

To be honest - the spiritual life seems like it's more marked by it's distances than it's closeness, composed of a dance of moving "apart" and coming back "together" (in only the most metaphorical sense). I'm not convinced that it's possible to live a spiritual life where we are always completely in tune with God, always journaling, in the word regularly and keeping the Sabbath... if we can take living as God's children as similar to being the exploring toddlers of a magnificent parent, then it would seem that those moments when the child is away from the direct interaction with the parent are just as (if not more so) important to the child's development...

anyway, just a thought. :)

enitsuj said...

Thanks for sharing Joc. Yep, I think you're right. I know better than to rely on feelings, especially sky high ones. As "they" say, can't appreciate the sunny skies without grey ones...I appreciate the analogy of the child and parent. Thanks.